


remember me, love, when i am reborn

by buckysshield



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), buckys POV post endgame, not really just extra pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-27 14:18:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19014607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckysshield/pseuds/buckysshield
Summary: "It’s love, Barnes. You loved him. It was so clear. Even a blind man could see it.”Bucky smiled bitterly. “But never him. He never saw me there. And now- hell, now it’s too late.”----------my take on a conversation bucky and sam might have had post-endgame. its been bouncing around my head tearing my heart to shreds so i'll make everyone else suffer too





	remember me, love, when i am reborn

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so exhausted and it's almost midnight i hope writing this heartbreak was worth it

There was heavy silence as they walked. Bucky and Sam treaded through the grass, the figure sitting on the bench behind them becoming smaller and smaller in the distance, until he was just a speck. The shield, although a blessing, also felt like a weight in Sam’s arms. It didn’t feel like his. It wasn’t the man on the bench’s either. The shield of Captain America, for the first time in almost a century, belonged to no one.

 

Sam looked at the man beside him. Bucky’s eyes were pointed at the ground, but he was far, far away, his eyes heavy and glazed over. Perhaps he was in Brooklyn in the 30s, or in Wakanda, about to join the fight against Thanos. Wherever he was, he was sure Steve was there with him. Not the Steve on the bench, but laughing, punk, tiny 30s Steve, or tired but determined nomad Steve who still found the time to visit Bucky in Wakanda. Whichever Steve he was thinking of, it wasn’t the Steve who they had just talked to, the Steve with a ring on his finger and an old, old body.

 

Maybe he was thinking of the Steve who smiled and said _It’s gonna be okay, Buck_ before stepping onto the platform and leaving him forever. Reaching for the last time Steve had been Steve, although both Sam and Bucky knew he hadn’t been Steve since a long time before that.

 

Maybe he was desperately grasping for old memories of Steve, for now there were no new ones to be forged and all he had left were memories of a skinny little kid in Brooklyn and a determined soldier. He had no memories of a man who married and lived his life with Peggy Carter, no memories of a middle-aged man who smiled as his first child was brought into the world and kept smiling as he brought them up, and no memories of an old man who laughed with his grandchildren as they asked him to “tell us another story, Grandpa!”

 

Because Bucky wasn’t there.

 

Sam reached out a hand to rub Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky startled and came back to earth.

 

“You alright, Barnes?”

 

Bucky breathed in shakily. “Fine, considering the circumstances.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I don’t have the right to feel anything but happiness for him. He’s my best pal, and I just want him to be happy. It doesn’t matter what I think. It’s unfair on him. He deserved the life he got.”

 

Sam sighed. “It’s just- I don’t feel like it’s fair on you, man. You were his only constant that carried over from the ’40s to now and after he spent so long fighting to keep you guys together he just up and goes?”

 

Bucky smiled humourlessly. “As I said, it’s not in my rights to be angry about his decisions. The guy loved her, it’s clear, why would I want to deny him his happy life with his best girl?”

 

“You loved him, didn’t you.” It wasn’t a question. Sam had seen Bucky’s eyes every time he looked at Steve, seen the impact of Steve on him. Hell, Steve’s words got him out of seventy years of brainwashing. He was that important to him.

 

Bucky laughed shakily, eyes darting back and forth. “I- We all did, didn’t we? It’s Steve. He was part of the team.”

 

“Barnes. We don’t have to play this game. I saw how you, just you, looked at him. Like he was the only guy in the world that matters to you. I’ve seen that look before. It’s how girls look at guys on dates and how husbands look at their wives and how people look at the most important thing in the world to them. It’s love, Barnes. You loved him. It was so clear. Even a blind man could see it.”

 

Bucky smiled bitterly. “But never him. He never saw me there. And now- hell, now it’s too late.”

 

“I think he did love you, man. He spent years and years chasing after you, and as long as there was a shred of hope you were still alive, he would be after you like a bloodhound. I had to tag along on his crazy-ass hunt for you back before all this shit happened - I swear, I’ve never seen such an insane want for someone in my life. And I reckon that all the time travel shit with Thanos, and getting us all back, his main motivation was you. I’d bet my life on it.”

 

“But he chose her, didn’t he. How is that love for me? I would’ve been fine, watching him marry some girl and live out his days here, ‘cause I would’ve at least been here by his side. I don’t care if we were just friends, at least I would’ve been here with him. But he went back, to the in between time, where he’s frozen in ice and I’m a fucking murderer and he’s gone back and married Carter and they were so perfect for each other and he’s happier than he’s ever been. Tell me, Sam,“ Tears were falling fast down Bucky’s cheeks now. “How is that love?”

 

“I don’t know man, I really don’t. Maybe he knew he loved you and was too scared to tell you, or he knew and was too scared to admit it to himself, or he knew but interpreted it as just friendship or brotherly love when it was more, or maybe he didn’t even realise. But he loved you nonetheless.”

 

“It just hurts, y’know? No matter what you say, it doesn’t change what he did. Now all I got to remember him are memories I can’t trust and the shield.” He gestured to the shield, which Sam still carried in his hand. “And that shield never meant shit to me. People only started noticing him when he was all big and got that star on his chest. It always confused me. It was just little ol’ Stevie in a costume. Same guy, just bigger. But I seemed to be the only one to see beyond the star, at least in the ‘40s. Well. Just me and Peggy.” His lips formed a watery smile. “She was a nice dame, for as long as I knew her for. She deserved the best. And the best is always Steve.”

 

Bucky looked so lost, Sam couldn’t help but pull him into a hug. Bucky tensed up, and then wrapped his arms tightly around Sam.

 

Bucky choked out a sob. “He said it was gonna be okay. How? How can it be okay when he’s not here?”

 

Sam tightened his grip on Bucky. “I can’t be Steve Rogers, Captain America. I can’t be super soldier, loved by all, golden boy. But I can be Sam Wilson, Captain America. Falcon, professional ass-kicker, and all round king. And god knows you deserve better than this, Barnes. You deserve getting to grow old with Steve by your side. But life ain’t fair, and we’ll get by with what we’ve got. We’ll keep saving this bitch of an Earth until we all die. It’s what Steve, your Steve, would’ve wanted.”

 

Bucky smiled, with immeasurable sadness in his old, old eyes that had seen too much for a man who looked in his thirties. “My Steve.”


End file.
